utah

hey well i guess i'm prolly not going to utah... ya well mom and i got in an argument yesterday after judo nad stuff and i dont really have a ride besides dad, but we kinda worked it out.... i told her that i would rather save 4 the trip this september.... ohhh it hurts to say that..... i wish there was some way i could go see morgan without having to spend a lot.... ahhh i jsut wish i could cry and not have to hold it in..... well i guess i'll be able to go to honors tea... ya that ahhhhh damn i keep thinkign that it will be better this way.... and i fell i almost want it to be this way! ahhh like i purposely wanted it to be this way..... ahhh i want to go see morgan but i am soo mad b/c she hasnt e-mailed me since 3 and a half weeks ago. i dont kno.... i love her but i just cant figure out why she doesnt e-mail me. well on a good note, i gave mrs goodman flowers on tuesday and she loved 'um so that was good... she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.... i love mrs goodman sooo much.... she is sooo cool oh plus she sang to us and it was just wonderful... i wish she could sing to me like htat more often.... i wish she was one of my relatives so she could sing to me.... man it was soooo good.... well i need to sleep.... bye

mile

ya not much... well 2day we ran the mile and then we played 4 the 6th graders twice and i had 2 solos each time so if i'm right that's 4 solols total!@ outta like 6songs total.... ya then i was just being tuff and i gave up when i got a papercut and it was funny! i got a kiss on my bobo from kailey, heidi, nate*, lauren, michelle, crisitn, and one more! who was it? dang i forgot! ok well it was a greaaat day... last fall on the mile i got 9:20 and this spring i got 8:36 and heidi got 8:38 but i was braging and i feel like and ass. soo.. well g2g sleep yo! ok night

angry day

yes well 2 day i was in a pissy mood.... yep.. not pms tho. ya then i ate like 6 kisses. ya i still odnt know what to do about nate! oh i really like him but dont but ohhh i do! hahah i hope he likes me like i do and it isnt me over liking him! well 2day went perdy well. not much to say... x-cept hta i have $133 so far for KOREA! boo ya! well g2g! luv, amelio

field trip

yes well 2 day we went on a field trip. pretty fun. kailey was my bus buddie. yes... hmm well one thing that really pissed me off was that i asked ppl to come with me to the bathroom... nobody wanted to come so i went (this was just after i ate and waz at wendys). and when i get back they are all "so amelia did u perge" like i threw up! ahhh gosh. grrrr..... well i feel like painting something. yes haha prolly cause i just went to an art museum. lol. grrr... i in a pissed mood again! oh well.. ya so i waz sooo tired and crap poo i feel like sleeping 4 ever! plus i cannot think of what to do with nate! oh man like i htink he likes laruen the way he hangs with her and combs all the time... i htink maybe he likes her too.... man i need to talk to kailey.... maybe. well i need 2 sleep. yes. luv, amelia

Kailey

well 2 day waz ok... jenny waller waz giving me a hard time 2day... well i talked 2 kailey and stuff and i know i can talk to her and stuff. yes well hmmm not much... i took my headphones nad listened to my chemical romance during 6th period. and i need to go b/c moocow wants to go to bed. so c ya@!

great day

wow waht a great day! oh my gosh it was awesome. ok well mallory got her braces off but i havent seen her yet. umm i got to skip school from noon on to help mom and then i found i got into Upward bound!!!!! yes! judo was awesome too.. 2 day rocked... hahah mrs goodman wrote me this in an e-mail "xoxo CUL8R (I'm learning this cool virtual vernacular....)" hahah i love her soooo much. oh jesus i konw you hear me i love you and i am dancing for you right now! just like chris rice. wow thatnk you soo much.... oh man i amm in such a good mood... i hope i can go to sleep! ok well sleep tight! luv, amelia

hey there2

howdy well i am a little sad cause the spice girls are on right now! well last nite i couldnt log on cause mom said i had to and i almost snick up and did but i decided i'd respect her choice so ya. well went to kayla tucker's house today and holy crap!!! Big!!! plus jennee benson's house. we worked on "BOCREAMTOX" ya. i am sooo tired and my tounge and upper throat really hurts like when i swallow and crap! yes well i am glad i have this spice girls cd from hailey and jenny w. well i dotn have much.. cept wjj will have their next issue next year! bummer well g2g! bye

health project!!!

well i went to christin's house and that waz ok... x cept that brittany got me in trouble! christin's mom got a little mad at me when we "locked brittany outta the house" whatever but overall it was pretty cool... ummm i havent decided about nate... man i dont know if i want to keep him or if i should let him go... ya i would feel horible. i really need to know if he still likes me or not and i am sooo stressing about the health project we have due on friday... wow heidi says we are screwed... dang well i am scaring myself... dang i hate stress... plus hte utah black belt test is hte same day as honor's tea! ahhh then hte tourney is the next day! dang well i need to sleep! night~amelia

hmmm... nate

well i am haveing a hard time trying to figure out if i want to wait ot have sex til marrage or if i dont want to wait ahh well i need to sleep and i wonder if nate really is gay b/c wehn we kissed it seemed like he didnt really like it or whatever.... i dotn know. well i g2g bye.

better day!

hey well today was much better! yes... x-cept mrs. goodman was gone so that sucked... but otherwis all was awesome... ok well i'm tired so i got ot go. bye!

better day!

hey well today was much better! yes... x-cept mrs. goodman was gone so that sucked... but otherwis all was awesome... ok well i'm tired so i got ot go. bye!

not very fun

hello well today kinda wasn't that great. hmm... deanna had to come over in the morning so my morning was not normal... i went to journal meeting and there was no meeting. then we had to take nwea then everyone fricken cheated in pushups in health class...... grrrrrrr i hate that sooooo much. it makes me very angry to think about it!!!! well (deep breathing) so then mr jones was a total jerk in history... even to mallory and emily carol. so then i was just ignoring everything around me and i spilled the spoon to one of the lunch serving things then i was out the door getting ketchup and i silled All my fries!!! then i got all sticky cause lindsey and i got in a drink fight after lauren was being a total jerk to lindsey. so i have pop in my hair and crap on my shirt and i go to see mrs goodman... which was a plus (oh and Upward bound still hasnt interviewed me which was supposed to happen in st) and i had to sort pictures and she was like are you ok? nad i was like ya i'm fine.... she said liar.. so i had to expain to her... which is a good thing... yes i know it is but i still am scared aobut my sad side... then mrs. ponich was being perverted again... mr roberts was being a jerk to steph and i cause we were talking... well i guess i did make honers tea... mallory and leeann and kailey and....lemmie think... soon me all had their auntie visits! i hate that when you can tell your friend has it but you feel awkward and crap... ahh then at taekwondo i made this girl cry... yes brianna got all upset because i moved her b/c some other boys were being farts adn her mom was all "remember this is the one you have to explain everthing too" in this voice that was like i purposely made her daughter cry... ahhh nate... no. no more is being said about him. morgan...... i havent talked to her in years... i call and blah... i'll call u back... i'll call you back.................... I"M WAITING! damn i hated to day.... it's days like this that i dont want to live. i want to go away i just..... but i try to stay outta the "funk" but ahhhhhhhhhhh...... man i hope things arent this difficult in 9th grade and crap because i dont want to live if this type of shit goes on all the time. man... jeez... the only thing partly is that i know god is there nad i dont want ot go to hell so i know that is part of the reason i am here still and stuff..... man i keep telling myself over and over that god and jesus are there... yes i know it helps like right now but... their part of the deal is done but my half is still struggling... i'm not alone... man i am ok now that i think about happy things.... i do want to live.... i found this thing the other day... it was a rough draft letter my grandma was sending to a quilting thing of when i made my purple and blue quilt... it said (lemmie type it word for word) "I believe the future of our country is in the great hands with kids like her." oh grandma i love you soo much and i am soo happy you thought of me that way... eveytime i read that it makes me cry... oh grandma i love you.... well i have to go.. tata

nothin

hey well it has been a little while since i wrote.. couple days... hmm not too much exciting stuff has happened... kailey got "stuff" on her pants at skool on friday. poor thing. ummm... played dodgeball today (sunday). ummm cleaned the car and waxed it yesterday... watched "mr. romance" corny peice of crap! well i am tired and bored!!! o m gosh i am bored! i wish mallory would come online so i could talk to someone!!!!!!!!! ok well i'm gonna try to sleep now. bye

nothin

hey well it has been a little while since i wrote.. couple days... hmm not too much exciting stuff has happened... kailey got "stuff" on her pants at skool on friday. poor thing. ummm... played dodgeball today (sunday). ummm cleaned the car and waxed it yesterday... watched "mr. romance" corny peice of crap! well i am tired and bored!!! o m gosh i am bored! i wish mallory would come online so i could talk to someone!!!!!!!!! ok well i'm gonna try to sleep now. bye

none

hey well today was ok... i forgot to mention lauren was a total jerk yesterday in science! grrr... plus today jeremy mocked me and it really pissed me off... ha. makes me laugh cause it sounds like drama... i hate drama. well 2day was good anyway. instead of playing in jazz band we ate doughnuts and watched the incredables! yes and plus i made it to second base in softball! yes! well all is perdy good... i still wonder how emily is... i hate drama... emily has drama and i hate that about her... but i still love her and care about her. well i need to sleep. bye

nothing too exciting

well nothing too exciting talked to morgan for an hour yesterday. my knee hurt a lot today. i have a really bad cough and i get a headache everytime i cough. poo well g2g bye!

judo

hey there well i'm in a perdy cool mood... talking to morgan right now and it is really hard 2 type. well i waz in denver 4 the weekend. i went up against this really tall chick and it was awesome.. i beat two other girls and lost mi final match against the tall chick and got 2nd. well it was cool. hmmm nothing too exciting has happened xcept that i got to skip skool friday and that rocked and we didnt have skool 2day so yea! i still have to write my history paper... well g2g bye!

food

howdy there... well nothing exciting happened like last time i wrote in here... xcept that psi came today... that was cool... and everyone thinks i'm anorexic cause i wouldnt eat today.... ya i just dont want to gain any weight 4 judo tomarrow! well they can think what they want... but mr.wartnow waz there and i think he saw... i think he also saw my wrist a while ago.... uh oh. ya but my mom and dad made me eat something so whatever. i think this is just an attention phase... oh plus today we were watching a slide show on smoking... I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HOW YOU ARE GONNA DIE AND PEOPLE WHO SMOKE ARE STUPID AND THINK "IT WONT HAPPEN TO ME" ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! i started bawling. i hate people who do that... when mr wartnow did it i cried to myslef and today i cried 2 myself... i fucking know my mom is gonna die but i dont need to think about it right now if fucking have enough stressors! ahhhh... well it feels good to let that out... hmmm well g2g sleep cause i'm anorexic! grrr i am in such a pissy mood! grr.

perdy funnay

ok i have a sweet word.. funnay you pernounce it (fun naaa yyyy) sweet well kendall keeps talking about morgan all he time! hahhahh today i found a tampon(unused) on the floor so karina, McKenzi and i kicked it around the hall. then we took it outta the aplicator and tied it to joe maxwell's locker.... ahahah funnay. then at lunch nate sat by me and that subject came up and he laughed and was like oh i didnt knwo they tied... then he was shy and finally asked what the difference between pads and tampons were! haha he makes me laugh sooo much! i love nate... now this is really personal but i am aftaid to say that.... like love. it makes me very sad like lump in the throat because i do like him very much and i do love him but i am not as sure he LOves me back... oh my gosh this is really deep! if only i could know how he feels... prolly not the same. oh i dont want to break my own heart. and i even question my self if i could fall in love with nate! i think if i would let myself i prolly would! ohhh and i dont want to break my own heart! i'm only 14!ohhh boyz! they make u crazy!well i hope sheri will give me valuable info b/c i am chatting with her this minute! well g2g aac

Michelle

oh boy... michelle.... what more is there to say? well i told her to shut up (friday) and today she was trying to get back at me for it. she was mocking my laugh and making me feel inferior. hmmm it is hard seing mallory frustrated again and again! jeez! what am i to do? hmmm... today i almost leaned on nates shoulder! but i didnt... he asked if we were gonna do anything! ahhhh i like being around him sooo much! ohhh man i would love to kiss those cute, funnay lips in a Real kiss... not like the little (but still a kiss) kiss i got at valentines day. oh man! ashley howell has hte measles! well better get going! luv amelia!

good weekend

hey well i did talk to morgan about her and kendall kissing... hahah it was kinda funny... i also did talk to jessica westberg about my miracle. i got pranked about this stuff... oh man emily pranked me! oh and i found out emily is a cutter... too bad. well i am really tired and i need to sleep. bye!

Mrs. Goodman

Hey there... well just a little summary of today... i lost my parents cell phone, watched Constantine, and got in trouble for putting (Ice hot?) that stuff that you put on achy muscles on toilet seets at school! A buttload of ppl told on mallory carling and so i saw her crying in the hall and i decided i didnt care what the punishment was so i turned myslef in to. but i guess it didnt matter cause all i had to do was cleen up the seats... i guess i had to do it cause mallory is my friend. oh ya and i was pissed michelle didnt turn herslef in! Jerk Mrs goodman and i talked after school. i didnt tell her about my wrist, which by the way i scratched a line on with the metal from a ponytail... back to the subject... and i didnt tell her cause i watched her write an e-mail to mrs hill about a kid's arm and i knew and so did he. hmm.... well i love her soooooo much... if this journal is found after i die or anything, i jsut want to say that i love you mrs goodman. oh plus i found out she has depression and she takes medication, so i feel like she understands. she told me stuff like it is chemical stuff in my brain and stuff.... ya i am very happy i have found her. oh ya she also said stuff like her and one of her friends were both going throught the same thing and they would call it the "funk" haha makes me giggle well she said she has to "snap outta the funk" by totally helping other people. hmmm i'm not sure that would make sense for me.... that's why i am in the funk. i spend too much time on other ppl! Well i think i need to tell my miracle... i all started one day at school... i was being a real jerk and meaner than usual... so i started feeling sad cause i was being a jerk. well that finally opened the door to my sad emoutions... i was thinking about suicide alot and death.... i felt soo totally alone... more than words can express... i wanted to be gone! i wanted to die... it just wasnt there... i felt the world was slipping away. i had to do something, but htere was no one. (ahhh i'm giving myself a nose bleed!) and so i blamed it on god... and i said to him: why would you do this to me? what did i do?... after morgan left, i just let myself cry to sleep.... for a couple nights in a row. it was the first time i have ever done that. i said to god: god there are people here that are my gaurdian angels... i know they are here and i know you ahve shown them, but help me see them god, help me see clearly. show them to me...... the very next day, Mallory Carling sent me an e-mail about how she under stood the mask thing (i'm happy outside [mask] but sad inside) and i said 1. then i got mrs goodman's letter in the mail 2. then i got a book from mr horst 3. then sheri and i talked and i told her about my wrist4 there are many more i bet, but those clicked. and i cried and cried because i had found my god. he had been there, i had never looked! and now i feel wholesome again... like there is someone. god has my back and i feel... renewed and stuff. mrs goodman said to remember this feeling so if i ever need it again it will be there. man... i cannot express all that happened today... lotsa stuff. oh i forgot to say that i guess kendall and morgan had a little spit sharing time! after they droped me off i guess kendall made the moves and boom! haha makes me laugh!

Yes

Well god has replied back to me. Last night i asked him to give me clear signs of who is here for me. Today i got a book from Mr. Horst, my parents got mail from Mrs. Goodman telling how special and intellectual i am and Mallory totally understands me. Thanks god. Back in February at the dance i got a kiss from Nate. I have to remember that i like him for who he is and not what we do. I enjoy being around him and he makes me laugh and happy. Well today kendall was being cocky cause some girl was at class. I was pissed. Oh and a while ago morgan and i got into a really big fight.... LONG time ago... but it ended up ok. Ya i talked 2 mallory about my "MASK" and she totally understood and it made me really happy, cause i know god is in mallory. Some of my gaurdian angel is in mallory. I hope so. Well i truely hope the The Schneidners and i stay in touch, and also mrs goodman next year. These ppl are important to me. i dont have things so bad. what was i thinking suicide for? man. oh but today mr wartnow made me cry in class... nobody noticed, but he was talking about smokers and it really made me sad and ashamed and mad. I love my mom... no one can tell me she is stupid or not aware of the consiquences of smoking... fuck them, i love my mom. ya well hm.... not much else, ha. ya i know god is there for me now... before i wasnt as sure... now i am. man i am really happy! i hope it stays this way!

Lent

Omgosh lent has been forever! lots has happened! k i gave up computer and pop for the records. ok well i got so depresed that i cut myself. i feel like i have no friends except that mallory e-mailed me after i told her one day i cut myself. morgan came... had an awesome and a horrible time last saturday night(mar19). we made dryice bombs and we rolled a tire off the rims... but kendall and i fought... i love him and i hate him--- just like a big brother ;)sometimes i think i need anti-depressants. poo i hate that. well i hope i get to im wiht morgan today--- prolly not but whatever.

boyfriends

god i hate nate sometimes... but i guess that is a relationship. he never shows up for anything... ahhhhh. i dont know what i am going to do. i cannot let him do this to me anymore. it really hurts when he doesnt show up at a date and doesnt even call. guys are jerks. i'm sure he has some excuse. anyway i got to see BOOGEYMAN it was awesome!1!! ya but i am emotionally tired and blah. well i hope i dont know. i dont know what to think. i just hate the world. haha. ya typical of a teenager. i wish i knew what to do. well i better go to bed. i need sleep. hope things work out. amelia

not a very good day

well today kinda sucked. i was all sad and moody, but yet i was a little happy sometimes.... i dont know about nate. he never seems to show affection for me. and i was going to be like "so how come we never hug or kiss" but i just got advice from ppl that maybe he doesnt know you want to. so i guess i'll wait til the valentines dance.... i like him soo much. i hope i can go to a movie this weekend. that'd be cool. well i have to go. i am very sleepy.

sick

well today kinda sucked... i stayed home from school cause i was sick and blah. so i might do ouija board tomarrow with sheri and emily and possibly callan. i am soo tired i must go to bed. i want to talk to morgan, but i am not sure i want to be angry... amelia

none

well just like any other day... jazz band early... blah blah blah... morgan. grrrr i dont know i am sick of her being like 3 months late for stuff and being like oh i'm sorry i dont have the money and you are the best and all this crap. grrr... well i hope she stops that. emily. still wondering how i can help her. i hope sheri and callan and emily are at judo. ahh.. i have nothing to say. blah

emily

well today was pretty cool. i woke up a little early, nothing a later bus can't fix. umm then i talked to mrs. hill for about 25 minutes about emily. wow it has really helped. i want to help her with her life and problems and i needed help on helping if that makes any sense. hmm... i did end up calling callan, and i'm pretty sure she is coming to judo tomarrow. anyways, i appreciate mrs. hill. she has been so nice and i was sooo comfortable around her. so that is good. and i met a new person. her name is gio and she lives in california. i think in cali... is that a city... haha i am not for sure even. well she seemed interested in my taekwondo and seemed pretty cool... reminded me a little of morgan... ya. that's mostly all... hmm havent talked to morgan since yesterday briefly. screw her... god i wish i hadnt said htat.... hmmmm... i dont know... such a procrastinator... my CHRISTMAS preasent hasent even come. what ever. well, oh ya... kendall cut his hair. goof ball. alls well that ends well! peace

snowboarding to better understanding

well today i started out in redlodge. last night i was testing for frist point and ended up going to redlodge last night for a day of snowboarding... well went back to aunties at about noon because snow was sorta crappy and i waz tired. stayed there until like 8 and got home... i think i am going to see a counceler about emily... i just dont know how to help her. she needs help but wont take it... i dont know maybe mrs hill can help me. ya ohhh when i told sheri i was going to see mrs hill about it she told me i am a good friend... i guess it caucht me off gaurd.... maybe so. anyway well i guess alls well that ends well.