Mrs. Goodman

Hey there... well just a little summary of today... i lost my parents cell phone, watched Constantine, and got in trouble for putting (Ice hot?) that stuff that you put on achy muscles on toilet seets at school! A buttload of ppl told on mallory carling and so i saw her crying in the hall and i decided i didnt care what the punishment was so i turned myslef in to. but i guess it didnt matter cause all i had to do was cleen up the seats... i guess i had to do it cause mallory is my friend. oh ya and i was pissed michelle didnt turn herslef in! Jerk Mrs goodman and i talked after school. i didnt tell her about my wrist, which by the way i scratched a line on with the metal from a ponytail... back to the subject... and i didnt tell her cause i watched her write an e-mail to mrs hill about a kid's arm and i knew and so did he. hmm.... well i love her soooooo much... if this journal is found after i die or anything, i jsut want to say that i love you mrs goodman. oh plus i found out she has depression and she takes medication, so i feel like she understands. she told me stuff like it is chemical stuff in my brain and stuff.... ya i am very happy i have found her. oh ya she also said stuff like her and one of her friends were both going throught the same thing and they would call it the "funk" haha makes me giggle well she said she has to "snap outta the funk" by totally helping other people. hmmm i'm not sure that would make sense for me.... that's why i am in the funk. i spend too much time on other ppl! Well i think i need to tell my miracle... i all started one day at school... i was being a real jerk and meaner than usual... so i started feeling sad cause i was being a jerk. well that finally opened the door to my sad emoutions... i was thinking about suicide alot and death.... i felt soo totally alone... more than words can express... i wanted to be gone! i wanted to die... it just wasnt there... i felt the world was slipping away. i had to do something, but htere was no one. (ahhh i'm giving myself a nose bleed!) and so i blamed it on god... and i said to him: why would you do this to me? what did i do?... after morgan left, i just let myself cry to sleep.... for a couple nights in a row. it was the first time i have ever done that. i said to god: god there are people here that are my gaurdian angels... i know they are here and i know you ahve shown them, but help me see them god, help me see clearly. show them to me...... the very next day, Mallory Carling sent me an e-mail about how she under stood the mask thing (i'm happy outside [mask] but sad inside) and i said 1. then i got mrs goodman's letter in the mail 2. then i got a book from mr horst 3. then sheri and i talked and i told her about my wrist4 there are many more i bet, but those clicked. and i cried and cried because i had found my god. he had been there, i had never looked! and now i feel wholesome again... like there is someone. god has my back and i feel... renewed and stuff. mrs goodman said to remember this feeling so if i ever need it again it will be there. man... i cannot express all that happened today... lotsa stuff. oh i forgot to say that i guess kendall and morgan had a little spit sharing time! after they droped me off i guess kendall made the moves and boom! haha makes me laugh!